COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
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I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
When someone trying to leave me
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]