COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
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More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
WWE is French for “yes”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.