[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
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i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?