cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
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[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Oh we’ve met.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.