cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
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me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
just witnessed a drug deal
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no