If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
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Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*