Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
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*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.