fly smarter, not harder
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If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”