If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
You Might Also Like
iPhone X
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.