I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
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When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
what’s really going on
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…