cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
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Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.