cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
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My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chiliās staring at you?
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. Itās the sound of your spouse chewing.
let’s play a round of hopscotch šā š»šš¼
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I donāt want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: thatās a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals arenāt for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didnāt have a girlfriend, heād āfor sureā date me. So at least I have that going for me.
everyone make a new friend so you donāt get assigned to David
Gov. Jan Brewer: āIāll look into the botched execution, but Iām sure he didnāt suffer because I asked him after and he didnāt say anything.ā
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?