Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
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Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Childbirth is so beautiful
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected