Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
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So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
i did the math
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup