*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
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Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”