Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
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Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?