Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
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A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back