Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
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Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns