Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
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wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”