cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship