cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
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Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
OH. COME. ON.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most