COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
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The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
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[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.