COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
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[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.