“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
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Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…