Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
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My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.