Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
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last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”