Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
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I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?