How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
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I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.