Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
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The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”