Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
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Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Worst perfume name ever.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York