Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
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My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed