The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
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*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
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The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.