Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
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8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.