Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
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I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
how to have an accident 101
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.