Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
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Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Lmaoo 😂
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.