COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
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It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.