Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
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Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
When I said I liked it rough.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting