Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
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Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis