[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
You Might Also Like
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.