Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
You Might Also Like
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?