Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
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But is it really??
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
The Others (2001)
*updates tinder bio*
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas