Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
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I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Based Erika
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should