Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
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Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.