Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
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Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.