Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
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[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
no!! no!!!!!!
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.