Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
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Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
the last thing a carrot sees
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back