Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
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Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf