I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
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[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins