Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
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Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
how to market bottled water to dads
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
that lip filler tho
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.