Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
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If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
He-man has a Masters degree
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive