CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
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My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.